To be or Not to be, that is the question. Is it?

Do I need ambition?

Another question asked which bothered me a bit when asked of me and a lot later when I was not thinking much about anything and the question popped up in my head again. So, do I need ambition? What is ambition. The dictionary meaning is, wait, let me look that up. As per Google, ambition means a strong desire to do or achieve something. Another definition adds determination to achieve success also to the definition. Well clearly I have none of these strong desires. My aim in life is to survive the day. At times, it extends to more than a day, and that is when I am planning a trip, which is also a recent phenomenon. Otherwise, for the longest time, my sole ambition was to find someone and marry. But then the use of the  word ambition there is wrong. Because me finding someone to marry does not mean that that would lead to success or I would have achieved something. So maybe the correct word there would be desire or requirement or want. But not ambition.

Lets think back to when I was young. I wanted to be independent, that I was sure of. But never about what heights I would achieve in the profession that I would be doing. In the earliest form, it was to take over papa’s business. But that dissipated quickly. Especially after I saw how much dirt and discomfort was around his office. Then it was the usual, doctor, teacher, engineer (although I never did understand what an engineer did), dancer (although, badi mummy sort of made sure that I started hating the term, what with calling me ‘nautanki’), actress (?), model (?) and the likes. And then 9^th roller over, followed by 10^th and I had to pick subjects and I picked science cause that was expected, but not biology cause I couldn’t see all that blood. And then 12th finished and I was no clear idea as to what I wanted to do. And the story, which has been told earlier, happened, the one where the Best Friend got through the College and it was only then that I wanted to get there too, and by the grace of third and last waiting list, I was one of the last persons to have gotten into that college.

At college, it was not mine, but the BF’s ambitions that pulled me through. Had it been left to me, I would not have joined any committee, would not have tried for any moot courts. I would have been content to go with the flow of what would have been had the BF not been around. But well, he was around and I went in the flow that was guided by him. But ambition, again played no part. Ambition that was rooted in me never had any existence.

And then we come to my work. To go into detail would be too boring, so to put it succinctly, I never had any ambition to be the best lawyer, to take someone else’s place, to replace someone with my excellence (not going into the detail of whether i did have it or not). I think I was short-sighted, as I always am. I should have realized that even if I had any real, genuine ambition of my own, that would not mean that I would be replacing someone. But in my desire to appear non-threatening, to not have any confrontation in my life ever (after the oh so recent experience of that time – aka – college) I just did not have any ambition. And then, my life took control of itself. Like it has always done, ir-respective of my lack of ambition. I set in the mold that was being created  for me and I felt comfortable and that was that.

After eight years, some of unrest and some of hard work, some growth and some idleness, some that involved personal growth and some that involved actual growing up, here I am. Stuck at the age of 31 (who am I kidding, 32 already in a few days) with the realization that I have no ambition. To come to the point of should I have one, I don’t know. I wanna say I will research on the pro and cons of ambition and then determine whether I should or should not have ambition. But, that’s for later (or in my case maybe later, one never knows). As of now, I don’t have any ambition. Except, maybe the fleeting one of being better at what I do. But that is it. To be better. Can that be my ambition?