Bane of my life

I like driving. For various reasons. Although, come to think of it, I dint like it so much yesterday when I was stuck in a traffic jam on the Ring Road, towards Ashram, just post-midnight with massive trucks around me on all sides and a nincompoop driver with four drunkards (including the driver) in front of me who thought that the fact that his car banged into mine was my fault just because he dint realize that it was his car that was backing up on its own volition due to the slant of the road where we were on at that point of time, while when the whole time I was honking for him to stop and he did not even hear my honking. And the khallasi (that guy who drives along with the driver for giving him company) of the truck on my right could not get enough of my face so he kept poking his head out of the window to stare at me.  

Anyway, other than that, I like driving, generally, mostly. And now that I have an automatic car and my music and audiobooks and podcasts, traffic also does not bother me as much.

And so, today, when I was driving and mulling over my life, which is also one of the reasons I like driving, I came across the thoughts of my dream. The dream where I was asked by the latest him (I think it was the latest him, not so sure about the face though), in whose house I had stayed over for a night, to stay over for ever. And in my mulling over about it on the drive to office today, I thought that so my deepest desire is that he should ask me to stay over forever. Which well, I know is what my desire is. To stay over with one person forever –basically marriage. And then I thought but why am I expecting him to invite me to stay over as opposed to being sure myself whether I wanted to stay over for forever. Why was it that I was concentrating on him asking me as opposed to being sure about knowing myself whether I wanted to or not. And I realized that one of the things I do, which I do time and again and which I keep realizing time and again and then forgetting and then realizing again, is that I start having expectations from the person in front of me, be it the latest him or anyone else. Whereas, I should concentrate and in fact only be concerned about expecting things myself. I am being unfair by imputing my expectations on others. So, if I like him, I need to show him that I like him. If I miss him, I need to show that I miss him. If I want more from him, I need to tell that I want more from him. It’s unfair for me to presume or to expect these things from him beforehand or in any manner whatsoever. If he wants to, he will offer. It would be his decision and only that and not an outcome of my expectations from him.

The bane of my life, expecting from others, the latest him, or someone else.