Good and Bad

I have good days and bad days. Lately, I have more of good days and less of bad ones, but I still have both. So what are my good and bad days – well, good days are when I am inherently chirpy and bad are when I doubt about where my life is heading. Today, I think is a good day, because the thought in my head at the moment is that life is so much more than my one idea of what would make it perfect. Its about days when I don’t have to think at all about what it holds and whether it is good or bad. Whatever will happen will happen. If I have to end something, or I should say whenever something is supposed to end, it will end. And if so, if the thing will take care of itself, like it has done in the past and so it shall in the future, then I really need to let go of me trying to figure out how to steer it towards that direction. Clearly, no matter what I try, I cant control my life to such a large extent that I can be decisive and predictable about the path that I have to be on. I can clearly do that in small conversations, at times, and maybe that is the extent to which I have a control over my life. That minuscule control. Blah, in my case even that is not true. I can never plan something ahead, let alone to a precision of a dot. I can plan nothing. Everything is impromptu for me. And if so, if I live my daily interactions on the basis of instinctual spontaneous-ness, then I need to be able to apply the same to the major desires of my life. I know I am being deliberately vague about what they are, but well I know what they are, whereas all that I have written above is something which does not come very easily/ naturally to me. For me to figure things out in a coherent manner is literally impossible. I want to reach the conclusion without going through the process of reasoning and as a consequence, end up making stupid conclusions, statements which when said are so declaratory in nature that one would believe them to be the most thought out and well reasons decision, but which in fact is the outcome of the momentary realization which is as fleeting as the breath that I take and which will disappear as fast – all because it was as random as the next one. No correlation at all between one and the other.

And I got lost again. These words I tell you, they are so fascinating to me, and especially when I am able to use them in a sentence and it makes sense and reflects the convoluted state of my thought process. I am not going into whether it’s the mind or the brain, that is just beyond my powers of comprehension.

So, coming back, today is a good day. It’s a good day because I have realized that I have to let things happen on their own and not force myself to steer it in any direction. To let go of whatever imaginary/ forced control that I may have on my life and to live in the moment, or maybe a day or two ahead, but that’s it.

And in the end, everyone keeps telling me, achche din aane wale hain (not the slogan of our current PM which clearly I am ill-equipped to comment upon). I shall wait and see what these hold for me.