Past Musings

BF 1 – Married; father; Name appearing on newspaper articles; has a website filled with his photos (oh god! How pompous! And who works wearing a suit and tie in our profession in India (ha ha, so may disclaimers)?)

BF 2 – Married; father (almost, i think); works at a place where he can wear shorts to work and gets massages in office

Third Guy – of no consequence

Fourth Guy – Married; may or may not be a father; did not care enough to even think about me; works at a fancy place and has an ever fancier wife

Fifth Guy – is scared of intimacy.

That is the gist. The present day situation of the past life (and for the Fifth guy the current experience) influences of my life. Yesterday, the achievements (can they be called so? Why not, said me shrugging my shoulders) of the BF – 1 and BF – 2 bothered and needled me. BF – 1 generally does not bother me at all, yesterday he did. BF – 2 is more or less getting diminished in my eyes, but yesterday I had a strong urge to stalk him yet again (I dint by the way). And today, I started thinking, yet again, about what I feel for the Fourth Guy, the one who never cared for me but on whom I am perennially stuck. Same old routine, what did I not have for him to not notice me, am I better off right now or would I have survived with him, why did he not even consider me (well one hypothesis is that he married his old GF, which if true, makes the whole thing much more easy to understand), would I have found some peace if I would have ended up with him, and on and on.

I heard about the room theory yesterday, I don’t know what brought that about, but I did realize that I want to reach that level of consciousness where I can think of implementing the room theory, because I don’t think I am there yet. But for that I need to move ahead, I need to let go of what I thought were achievements and to find my own achievements, unique to me, to be open for possibilities the kind the US Friend was talking about. But for me to move forward, even a minuscule amount, I need to let go of my limiting, haunting, inhibiting past. I need to let go of the what ifs and why it happened. I need to realize that my life has to be more than just a few set of guys sprinkled in my path.

Duh! I know.