Old and New

This is now irritating me and making me sound desperate. And the fact is that I am not desperate. I am not so desperate. I am not. I am not. I am not. And I don’t like this puppy like-feeling that I get when ever this thought/idea comes into my mind. And it has the shortest triggers.. a phone call from bhaiya!! I mean come on!! Are u kidding me. Its my brother and he can call me anytime and I should not start imagining things whenever he calls me or when ever papa calls me or anyone from my family (near or far) calls me.. I don’t want to get this feeling and it should not come. But damn it, it comes. And I, like a sick puppy start salivating.. what sickness man!!

{December 2011}

Took me some time to realize what that above para was about. It was about me getting a call from one of my relatives with the news that there is some prospective groom for me. And I would start salivating thinking of the possibilities that were in store for me.

Well, history now tells me that none of my thoughts ever became a reality. No such call came which could satiate my ‘salivating’. (God, but that is a horrible metaphor I have used!) Here I am, by myself, having moved zilch from the day I left college, at least on the personal relationship front. Sad to say that the only normal relationship I ever had in life was with that college guy. Sigh, that can be quire disheartening. Not commenting on the relationship, but in this 20 off years of adulthood, I have just managed to have one actual meaningful (of sorts) relationship.

And so came the realization today, the premise has been wrong all along. I am not meant for a relationship. I am not meant to be in a relationship. I am meant to be without one. I was and am meant to be above the requirement or need or want or necessity of it.

I am a loner. I am meant to be a loner. And now, to learn to accept and be proud of it. 

Eh.