I live with Ghosts

As a child, I once asked the man I love a lot about whether ghosts exist. He said, in his own sweet manner, that if there is good in this world then there is bad too. Or some thing like that. What he meant to say was that yes, ghosts exist.

And that is what, sub-consciously, is what my mind has also believed in, all this time. 

But it was only now, in these times of lockdown when I am trapped alone in the house of my father, at the edge of a city grappling with its own fear of a deadly virus, that I realized that I am living with my ghosts. And don’t get me wrong, I am not talking about the ghosts of christmas past or simply my past, that being the ghost of memory, of loss, that has a tendency to creep up on a quite sunny jaded day and spreads its veins on the mind which pushes one to the whirlwind chaos of the life that was or had the potential to be. No, I am not talking about such ghosts.

Here I was sitting on the dining table, when the first one showed up, quite suddenly in the middle of the small passageway to the two rooms. Having just passed that passageway, I knew that the shadow that I could now see had to be of the ghost that I have dreaded all my life. I tried to chase it away, scared that what if the shadow enters my room, my sanctum in this hole that I am trapped into. To my relief, I managed to push it away and locked the door of the room that I pushed it into. I know it has a tendency of slipping past such enclosures and I tried to hold it off by blocking the very air that would pass through such enclosure.

And then a few days later, the second one showed up in another part of an enclosed space. And yet again, I managed to somehow lock it within the four walls of its enclosure. 

Phew. At last I thought I could breath for some time.

And then showed up the third one. This time in the room that houses my nourishment. But, the relentlessness of human spirit gave me courage to carry on, to visit the nourishment center day after day, hour after hour. Yet, I lived with fear of encountering my ghost at every step.

And then came the day, few days back, when I saw it outside its enclosure and wandering around. And my heart stopped. It stopped or I stopped breathing, just that suddenly I was taking deep breaths like my body did not have enough oxygen within it. I ran to my room and locked myself for the night, thinking that maybe by the next day, it would have wandered around and found its peace and disappeared again. 

The next day was a difficult one, even more so than the previous days. I tiptoed around the house, always looking over ahead and back to see if it decided to reappear.

And then, around evening, I saw it come out of a room. And my heart stopped again. But I knew by now that no one would be able to come to help me. Armed with my chalice of hope, I chased after it. I had to expel it outside of my house and ensure that it does not enter my room, when lo and behold, it entered my room. I panicked and tried to throw as much of the liquid from the chalice as I could on it to purge my house of it, but to no avail. It went deeper and deeper into crevasses from where I knew I could not pry it out. Defeated and teary eyed, I walked out of my room. Lost, where else could I go now. My one sanctum was lost to me. I walked back, hesitant and defeated. I had to collect the essentials from the sanctum and decide what to do about my days ahead, when suddenly, I saw it withering in pain on one side. I was both elated and mortified. I dint know what to do except to stand there and watch it fidget, maybe the liquid from the chalice was making the ghost rethink its choices or maybe it was too pious for the ghost's existence. And then slowly I saw it ebbing away from this world. This world that I inhabited and this world where I just could not gather up the courage to live with the ghost.

Afterwards, I was still shaking. I was both relieved and miserable. 

In the night, after trying in vain to calm my nerves by drinking some holy spirits, I went to get some drinking water and there I saw the ghost yet again. In the corner, just below the water reservoir. I froze and sank down on the floor. I needed strength. I could not go on like this. This existence of constant fear was getting to me. I howled in my sanctum that night. I had to overcome this fear, there was no other way for it. But for the night, I locked my self in my sanctum, blocked all passages of air and slept, strangely peacefully, knowing that next day, I will pray for the courage to deal with the ghost.

The next day, all was quite till about mid-day, when I saw it yet again in the diagonally opposite corner from the day before. I panicked, but with the help and guidance bestowed on me, I charged with the only weapon that I could find, the cloth of doom. I covered it up and with the might of my will packed it up in that cloth, hoping that I was ridding myself of the fear as much as i was trying to rid the world of this one's existence. 

I am still scared as I wonder around the house. Waiting for the ghost to appear in some other corner and just pray that this time when I see the ghost, I have either the Chalice of Hope or the Cloth of Doom or the Sweeper of Evil or the Container of Spirit to come to my aid and to rid my house of it. 

One at a time. In the end, its either them or me.

Starring:

Me
Sanctum: My room

Ghost: House Lizards

Chalice of Hope: Hit, the cockroach killer

Cloth of Doom: Door-mat 

Sweeper of Evil: Broom

Container of Spirit: Bucket/ Mug 

Special Thanks to all the people who helped me in my time of despair.