Breathe

I have a sinking feeling at the pit of my lungs or just above the abdomen. The kind of feeling that one gets when one thinks that something bad is about to happen or happening. I thought it was the heat and so I switched on the AC. But it dint go away. Then I thought it must be the sound of the fans and so I switched them off and still the feeling persisted. I read up on the legalese for the advice that i had to give and still the feeling remained. It was there when i went to the loo and when i got up to go to papa’s room and then i saw the ever increasing dead deemak. I finally opened the cupboard and found live deemak inside. That, weirdly, settled the unease a bit. I suddenly knew what it was about. This is what my subconscious was getting worried about. Something that would make living here difficult. 

I called up papa and told him that I now would need to call pest control guy and well that was that. The conversation went as well as all such conversations go. He panics a bit and yet tries to be composed and I try to talk as calmly as possible to subside any panic that i may be creating. Or maybe deliberately creating the situation to make him panic to serve some convoluted thought of mine. 

Anyway, here we were talking about what to do next and the uneasy feeling that I started associating with deemak continued to exist. I breathed after the call. Now that I know what it was about it will subside in a while. I switched off the AC, cause I thought the constant running of the AC may be giving me the uneasy feeling. Picked up a book cause I should distract my mind by reading up a thriller. And here I am in the nook of the sofa, not reading, but trying to figure out what this feeling is all about. My house creaks and makes sounds like that made by a ventriloquist, sounds that seem to come from a place where there is no movement and yet the sound exists. And maybe that’s what it is. My constant fear of the unknown or possible of the Ghost (read House Lizard). Or possibly just of the fact that in the circumstances that I am stuck at I need to deal with this one thing which I dont know how to. Or I do know how to but its just something I dont want to and yet have to and thus dreading doing it. 

Bah. I can just breathe. But this helped too. 

I’ll go back to breathing. 

And suddenly, there is sound coming from another part of the house. I should just give up.