Should I start thinking about him?

 

It has been just a few days since he passed away, and yet I am unable to think of him as being not there anymore for me to go and hug. We did not have a relationship of conversations. Not anymore. I do recall how as a child I used to talk to him, to listen to stories, to ask innocuous questions, to listen to his daily routines, to listen to information about distant family members who I had no idea about and yet whose information he offered. But not lately. I couldn’t understand him. His Marwari accent became thick and my limited understanding/ comprehension of that language, which was already strained, could not extend to understand him. In addition to his hearing problems where I had to shout and I just could not. And so, we weren’t a talking type of relationship. We were, or rather I was more of a hugger. He was the last of his ilk, the last of the four pillars of my life and that made him valuable. Well, it cant have been just that. My Naana was my naana. He was special, not just to me but to everyone around him, and ever since his diagnosis, his presence was all the more valuable. But like for everything else in his life, he let us have the full benefit of his time and did not rush into the inevitability of his illness. Yet, in the end, he escaped that also.

I don’t know of his life much, mainly due to the language divide, but I know that he was a simple man, a deeply religious person, who dedicated his life to his family’s care and his god’s worship. In later years, he could be seen at the periphery of every occasion of our lives, and yet there. He was there. Quite, beautiful, simple, agile, white, perfect naana. His calloused hands and feet, his lean figure, his white dhoti and baniyan and the simple kurta on top, his insistence on walking, his insistence to be independent, his limited needs and his immense love. So much to remember him for. His calmness, that which he imparted even in the last few hours of his life to his family.

My naana is no more. And I don’t yet know what it means. I will one of these days and that would be a difficult day. It would. Yet today, I will remember him for all of above and for all the times when I managed to hug him. To get as much of him as I could in those brief seconds of my hug.