Go be you.

So I posted what I posted yesterday cause I needed a little bit of pep-up. I know it’s been 16 years since I started this but I still don’t think I deserve what I get (while minor other times I think I get far lesser than what I deserve - but this is rarely really). Anyway, it's been coming on for most of this year, that my boss is transitioning to a new role and what that means for me is that I will have to transition to a new role. While I have always sort of known that only a hard push would push me out of my comfort zone and into a new role, and while I should be grateful that this time around I was at least given some notice (like more than 6 months), I was still not prepared for transitioning into a role. A new role of being an independent practitioner or solo head of a law firm (even if that law firm only has only three associates). 

Suffice to say, I don’t know how to deal with this and so I called as many people as I usually do. All had something going on in their lives just as I did and as I could not be of any assistance to them, I couldn’t expect them to be further burdened with mine. 

And so, I was left with no option but to be purposeful myself and taking a cue from the life partner, I decided to figure it out myself. My usual method is to write something down to figure things out, and that's what I did. In the evening, when I was home and away from office and had absolutely nothing to do (well alcohol was out due to the recent stomach flu incident) I finally sat down to make a plan and realised I don’t even know how to do that. I read an old writing (more than a year old now) about how to grow in work and was ashamed to realise that I had done nothing from that page. Anyway, I finally reasoned that making a star somewhere, anywhere would be better and so I decided to make it very simple - make a list of sources of revenue and sources of expenditure. Cause immediately, as soon as it starts, that is what I will have to focus on. My boss has been gracious enough to give me office space (at least for sometime and I shall not question it again till I don’t have the courage to find an alternative). So I added one item of income and only then added one item of expenditure. That was a fail. While I had a good idea about the latter, the former was a small list comprising mostly of maybes and sort of and nah.

So that’s where I am. Stuck in this position. I know I need to rise up. I know I need to be okay with the change and own this change. I know that I have all the training that I needed and that this profession is something that demands me to be more. To take up more. To read more (not FICTION). To achieve more. Maybe not for glory, but for checking with myself on whether I have the ability or not. If yes, I shall survive, if not, I shall thrive on other things. I have to give this a try. I have to.