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I had my first proper drawn out argument with... 

 

I had my first proper drawn out argument with my plus one yesterday, approx. one year after we started being together. Well it wasn’t so much as an argument as me first, not talking to him cause I was upset, and then me talking to him and telling him what all upset me, and he apologizing all this while, along with acknowledging that apology is not the solution and that he will take steps and that despite him being told of what was bothering me repeatedly by me, he still hasn’t changed and he has to and that so apology may not be the best thing but there is nothing else that he could do.

Phew.

In any case, this is what happened between approx. 12 AM to 9 AM. He recorded and apology and sent to me. I slept and then got up as I could not sleep beyond a point. We talked and I asked him to call me later. I recorded my upset in a video and did not send to him. I cried and am sure he did too, but he did not show it to me cause in the past I have also told him to not do that cause then I am unable to express myself. But I am sure he cried too cause he feels just as much and I know he would have chastised himself if he was even remotely associated with my upset. 

 

Phew.

 

Its now 6 PM. I have talked to my friends about this (Nupur, Rajeshwari and even Saurbh Kothari) and with the plus one (a couple of times). And I have rewatched the video a couple of times. The one that I made. His, not so many times. And I don’t know why I am doing that. Every time I watch my video (made at around 6.20 AM of more than 3 minutes), my eyes get wet. I did feel, sometime during one of the many conversations, that maybe I overreacted. Well, not so much overreacted, but reacted in a manner that I am not used to. I tried to control myself and yet, I could not. I tried to distract myself, and yet I could not. It came and it kept coming. Like a flood. Or more like a mild rain. With some accompanying muck from the nasal cavity, which I unashamedly cleaned while on video. I was definitely distressed. And this is before my call with the plus one when I told him and when I cried like I haven’t in some time. For 30 seconds only though and I watched some TV to distract and that worked and that was that. But, the tears did come.  

 

Phew

 

Yet, I know that when I see the video, I am feeling sad for the me that I see. I feel her pain and I feel that she should not have gone through such pain. I want to take care of the me there cause I/she went through a tough time in the morning and I/she is my responsibility. I know that my plus one also wants the best for me and will do everything for me that he possibly can. But I am responsible for me, and I should have taken better care of myself. I do realize that I need to prioritize me. Cause after all said and done by the plus one, he may never get the feeling that I went through other than me. And in the light of day, even I may not get it. And yet, the me in the video went through her dark thoughts and since I am the only one who is always with her, considering I am her, its upto me to take care of me/her/us.

 

Phew.

 

I clearly have multi-personality disorder.

 

Phew.