Just leave, and thats all right too.

She stared at me with her strong confident eyes. I couldn't help but stare back. In a few seconds the traffic light turned green, and I automatically started turning my car to drive by her, so as to not hit her. She was using crutches, so I thought she will be slow and will not be able to move away that fast. But then, in that very instant, I thought of something and unconsciously started staring at her again. I somehow wanted to see how she was walking now that all the cars had started to move away from the traffic signal. But she must have seen that flicker of expression in my face, so she slowed, sort of clutched her crutches again, and started walking slowly towards the side of the road. By then, I had crossed her, and I looked back and I could make out that she was walking without the crutches, but weary of the person in the car who was staring at her, she kept a feeble hold on them. All this from a girl no older than aanya, maybe 8, maybe younger.

At a previous red light, there was a loud rap on the window pane at the other side of the driver seat. I got startled from my reverie of Harry Potter sung in Stephen Frey’s voice. I saw a girl, of maybe ten years, banging on my windowpane. I was smug and secure in my locked car, so I stared back and started shaking my head. On getting my attention, or maybe even otherwise, she started pointing towards the carton of milk kept on the seat. I wondered for a second to give it to her, then wondered that I would have, had I bought the smaller one and then I wondered maybe i can and then I wondered maybe I can just give her 10 rupees and that would be sufficient. You know how it is with our flimsy way of giving excuses. All this while, I continued to shake my head and she continued to bang on my window pane pointing towards the carton of milk. I eventually gave her 10 rupees, but she kept pointing towards the carton, almost clinging to my car by the end. But again, I knew that as soon as the light turn green, I would start driving and she would be left with no option but to walk away from the car.

In the morning, while ensuring that I leave early so that I don’t get stuck in traffic, I also held the belief that I am leaving so early that I won’t get any traffic. And then, I found traffic, at every juncture, crossing, lane, you name it. And finally at the crossing near that ramsharanam ashram, I felt lost in the milieu. There were so many cars, scooters, buses, cycles, people on the road at such an early hour. And it was only early hours then. I kept thinking that any person even 10 yards behind me will be stuck in a bigger traffic jam than me. And I just felt lost and desperate. I know there is another word for the feeling, but all I can think of is scared. That is what I felt.

And just when I left for office, I crossed the back lane that I general take to leave my part of city. And i saw with disgust that the big dump of garbage had spread more, with more black colour of muck and water puddled and stored in the pits of the garbage pile. i can't describe that spot anymore. Suffice to say, that even though i am in my car, i cringe at the thought of my tyres touching the road around that pile.

Every day I find more and more reasons for not having kids of my own. I barely know the problems of this country. I am so lost in my world at all points of time, that it does not feature in my daily highlight of life. But today, I agree with those fortunate ones who have decided and have the ability to leave this country and to settle outside, preferably in a developed country. To change this place is a novel/flimsy idea. That is what it is. Because we are not part of the solution. We are too busy to run away from the apparent problem that we don’t realize that we are just making it grow more and more. Becoming the problem.

I thought I will come up with a better conclusion to my observations of the day. I haven’t. I feel incompetent, scared and as stated in my previous post and being reaffirmed here, a hypocrite.