the confused morning

What I really want is sleep. I just want to curl up and sleep some more, to forget my mind’s mindless chatter, which drones on and on and does not stop. Or maybe just sleep. Without any agenda. Getting to the point of sleeping is not so easy, in the normal course. And what was that dream in the morning all about? I though the visit would happen for sure, I was so sure of it that that’s why I just dreamed him at home in the morning and the ensuing conversation about his wife. And what was that pristine white ghost like person I saw from my window? Strange strange dream.

See, muddled and sleepy is what I am. I managed to come to office on time though. Here I am, at 10.30 or possibly before, I don’t recall now, although its 10.45 right now.

Maybe the chai will wake me up. Or maybe I can just go for a walk and free my mind. After the chai, maybe. Maybe time has come for me to make random calls and to get comfort from external sources as opposed to internalizing myself what is the issue and how to resolve it. 

Oh wait, that is what I do then? I just keep looking for answers from somewhere else as opposed to from within?

I did realize that I don’t want to be with someone who is so negative in life and so full of anger. I don’t want to be with someone who cant see the good in others. Or maybe I am just finding reasons to say no to the guy I was talking to yesterday. Nah, I was thoroughly bothered with the conversation of last night. And that is some insight into what I want and don’t want from life. I don’t want that. The intensity with which he replied to the police mam, is one of my biggest fears in life. Its not like he should be scared of them or that the fact that he gave it back to the police man is a sign that he was unjustified. But the manner in which he was telling me the tale, it appeared that he was somehow proud of the fact that it happened or that he reacted in the manner that he reacted. Nah, I see remnants of a past there that I don’t want to revisit.