Habit, not motivation, is the key

The spiral I am in.

.

.

It’s a circle.

I have enough to survive, 

as long as I am conservative with my expenditure

But what of the staff and the juniors

So I need to generate more for them

But how

I have limited/untapped contacts

I currently don’t see any avenue to make it grow

The right place right time is not coming to me

I feel like I cannot at the moment say 

that I have the ability to make it work for all

And when this thought becomes overwhelming 

and I start to spiral out of control 

in this loop of lack of contacts and avenues

I start thinking that I don’t need to worry so much

Cause I have enough to survive, 

as long as I am conservative with my expenditure 

And lo’ and behold, I am back to the beginning. 

 

Of course, in addition to the fact that 

if I don’t work then what exactly will I do. 

I cant just go to the library or a café on all days.

Okay maybe I can, but I do need to work also. 

To keep my brain sharp 

so that it does not rot away in oblivion of mindless rot 

And so, I need to work, 

not just to make sure that I can maintain 

the small office that I am a part of

but to also make sure that the days that I exist, 

I exist with some meaning

not greed or overindulgence

but fruitful and productive none the less.

 

So, to work. 

To find that space within the space I hold

That can pull me though this spiral

And make me feel full

 

Be it reading cases

Or re-reading old files

Or filling empanelment forms

And contacting un-tapped contacts