i wait

I wait. And while I wait, my life slips by. A minute and then an hour and then a day and then years. And I still wait. I am clouded by so many thoughts and ideas that I dont know anymore which one is right and which one to reject. I am scared because of so many norms and rules imposed on me by family and society that I don’t have any courage left to pursue what I like and enjoy. I still wait. Into the endless second, which when passes seems so fleeting, but which when was waited for, seemed so vast, so far away, so endless.

It’s each and every time. The same cycle gets repeated. I see it every time. The time that I think I have, which all of a sudden I never did have. I am stationary and everything else keeps on revolving, taking their own set path or making new paths. The same event gets repeated. Putting off things has become such a part of my nature that years pass and I still have not moved from the same spot. Time is not standing still. But I am. I am moving against the laws of nature. I am still. I wait.

Why. Why does the rules and norms and fear and rejection control me. Why do I not have the courage to take the step. Why do I feel like a failure, when I have never even tried doing anything. Probably, I am a failure for this very reason, for never having the courage to even try. I just wait. Standing still, almost quite with no sound not even my heartbeat, so as to not attract any attentions, yet fervently wishing that somebody gives me that attention. Somebody, please do. I don’t need rescuing. I just need to realize that I exist. That I am not invisible and that I exist as myself.

I am not weak. I am not strong, but I am not weak too. Am I too emotional then.  Does that have to do with anything. I don’t know, and I am hesitant in finding an answer. I am lazy and I just wait.